Ponderings in the Garden

I awaken to the morning sun shining through my window as a new day begins. Muddled through my head are thoughts extenuating from the past few days, paddling through the house, to the kitchen to make coffee. Overwhelmed, as I look to the days before me. Clarity of purpose, or so I thought, has always existed within me. Today, as I make my way to the back garden, never more unsure of my life as I am right now. I take to the solace of my garden, the comfort of the fae have always brought clarity to me. As I sit, balanced on the step, thinking it is time to bring out the patio furniture; I look at the debris scattered all about the garden, feeling much like my life. Each plastic pot, representing one segment of my life that was neatly compiled and tucked away in my life. Accessible and happy. Purpose, friends, thoughts, feelings and most of all, as a mother. Then, one gust of wind blows it all away. My life in a disarray much like the garden. Causing me to rethink every part of what existed to be me, and now, I am no more. At least this is how it feels.

 I close my eyes, to lose my self in the sense my dishevelled surroundings of my life. I hear the soft song of the fae. “Time is running out”. How, how can time be running out? Life was in order, plan and purpose all running smoothly. Direction, clear and concise as to the destiny. You gave me all the signs, the direction was clear. I headed to that which you put before me. What did I do wrong? In one moment, one phone call, one sentence, it all changes. You took it all away. All of it! Left now feeling more confused then I have ever been in this lifetime. Perhaps that is because, I have really failed as a human on this planet. Failed in my role as a parent and a friend. All that defined ‘me’ as me is no more. Everything I thought I was, is no more. ‘It is one thing to be confident,” the fae tell me. “And quite another to be certain, it is necessary to feel confident in order for you to reach absolute certainty within” So, have I really been certain, with no confidence at all? Or confident without being certain.

This brings along thoughts of being a parent. In this time when I thought all was certain, I failed to provide direction and the last thread of my existence begins to frail as she decides she wants to leave. I am depleted. No direction, no future… no life. Who am I really, who have I been… and what will I be. Nothing? Have I failed to provide direction for my daughter in searching for my own direction. All the while, thinking that I was showing her to seek that which in empowered within you. Really, what I have said is chase your dreams, live in the moment, for one day all your work may be for naught??? I have failed and now must let her follow her own path. Perhaps she will be the success I never was.

Friendships they will come and they will go, I am all alone. I have always really only been alone. Reasons, seasons, lifetimes. These are all far and between. Never any certainties there. The road before me seems dark and damp as the storm clouds roll in. It begins to rain. The perfect metaphor of my life at this moment as I get washed away by it all… my rainbow is gone! Will it return?

Copyright © – 2009 – all rights reserved.  

   ~ Angelyn

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